Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
