Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Randomize
