if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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