He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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