my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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