I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
