Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
