I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We have started to decorate penises.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
