No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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