I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
