i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
bring money and cleavage
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
