I think I won the penis lottery.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
