life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
