You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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