I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
