roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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