Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
