she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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