sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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