Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
