It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
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Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
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My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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