peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
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Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
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I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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