Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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