Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
