3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
