Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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