apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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