I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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