Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
