fuck your aforementioned shoe
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
not ubering you a puppy
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
