How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
