she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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