The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
