I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
