oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
