I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
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My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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