You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
