Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
