My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
