I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
