Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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