Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
