dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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