He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
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I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
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Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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