from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
