she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
