Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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