Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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