I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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