Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
