Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
