Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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