Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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