you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Randomize
