did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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