I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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