If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
