I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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