WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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