can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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