I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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