I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize
