this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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